Life's a Thunderbowl of Cherries

Sometimes we have a rough week.  Last week was pretty rough.  After so many years of intense impression management with a few key professional and social supports who were either dismissive of empathy or unable to connect with it (it's amazing how a few bad experiences can taint one's worldview), I find myself struggling with some pretty hefty anxiety symptoms.  Although all preliminary reports of the people in my new work environments are good (these people are kind, professional, have good role clarity, regularly examine their privilege), my HPA axis refuses to believe that I am safe.  Plus I am attempting to negotiate new relationships with health professionals, find a hairdresser, and figure out why so many RMTs up here are super into woo.  The first one recommended past life regression.  The most recent one wanted me to try the Impulse IQ adjusting machine.  This thing looks like a gun and it pointed at the head and necks of smiling patients in the brochure.  Brochure quotes a lot of "research" but there are no references.  The brochure claims the instrument treats "fatigue."  Uh-huh.

High breathing, chest pains, difficulty concentrating, spiraling thoughts: Panic attacks.  

Oh... great.  I was kinda hoping those were behind me.  They are very hard to power through in a work situation.  Maybe... perhaps... just possibly, I may have at one point needed to lock the door to my office and quietly sob for a few minutes.

Then I cam home and cried there too.

It's really hard for a lot of us at this point.  We're so close to the end yet the experiences of abuse due to the power imbalance and lack of perceived rights of students over the course of the graduate degree(s) has left a lot of us consistently on edge.  It's hard to believe we might be in a safe environment.  Even if we suspect (or even know) that we are safe, our bodies don't want to believe us.  They are waiting for the big reveal of the person in power whose own supervisor was an abusive douchecanoe and they TURNED OUT JUST FINE so THEY'LL SAY AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANT to me.  I'm 98% sure that I am safe here.  But I'm still painfully lonely and in a state of near constant cortisol flood levels.

I'm breathing.  Of course.  In.  Out.  Repeat.   And I'm working hard to meet new people and be open to all the potential relationships that may delight me in unexpected ways.  I suspect they're coming.  And I'm taking the approach of making this residency my learning opportunity.  I've already done the evaluation piece.  I've been scrutinized.  I've got this far.  Time to make some collegial relationships and learn the shit out of what I'm interested in.  Yes, that's what I want to do -- if my stress-ridden body can find the bloody energy and focus to pay attention instead of trying to convince me my heart is in a vice.

So time to grab my coffee and head into my last day of orientation.  Don't worry; I switched to decaf.

Wondering what this photo is about?  Stay tuned for my next blog post about the different ways in which my various internship sites remind me of Kubrick's The Shining.