The 11th Hour

I gotta tell ya, working an 11.5 hour day is much harder at 41 than it was at 28.  And yet, [prepare to read me shameless brag of my own genetic awesomeness], the psychologist who works (I almost said "lives") in the office next to mine noted that it must not be too bad at my tender age of "28... 29?  You can't be 30 yet!"

I hugged her without checking if that was okay first.  I apologized after and checked in to see if it made her uncomfortable (she was fine with it); it's just that I couldn't freaking believe another adult would miss my age by more than 10 years.  Initially I was all "whoo-hoo - I look young!"  And then I started feeling conflicted about it.  I'm 41.  I earned 41.  I've done two undergraduate and (almost) 3 graduate degrees as well as 2 professional program certificates.  I'm gonna be a psychologist (a good one), I've dealt with trauma (mine and others), I've travelled, I've been the president of a union, I've been married for 10 years, psychotherapy for a million... I started to feel like the time I was 23 and got passed over for a theatre director assistant position because I "hadn't suffered enough."

Thank you for what I know was a genuine misperception of my age and large reaction that was intended as a compliment.  But here's the thing.  I'm fucking 41.  I really struggle with this sometimes (middle age health problems, living with the heartbreak of infertility while so many friends announce their pregnancies and FB about their amazing children, already having problems with word retrieval) -- but I don't actually want people to think I'm younger than I am.

A lot of folks in my profession deal with imposter syndrome.  We're expected to know a lot and be full of wisdom to boot.  Even though at times I still feel like an insecure 16 year old navigating her first retail job, I want folks to have confidence in me.  I want all the shit I've been through to be reflected in people's respect for the belief that I've put in my time learning this job.  But not just that, also that I actually have picked up a bit of that wisdom thing along the way.  I have an awesome colleague (another resident) who is very petite and has a baby face.  She tends to dress ultra professional and in styles that are popular among folks about 10-20 years her senior so that people "won't think [she's] a teenager."  And I get it.  How folks perceive us in our profession is actually really freakin' important.

I wonder how I'll navigate continuing to be my authentic (read: wacky eccentric individual actually has a personality) self while cultivating my professional image in middle age?  I wonder this alongside the mulling over of how I will make a career out of serving children and adolescents when I never get to have one of my own without becoming a nasty, resentful, therapy-sabotaging Freud-hole.  I wonder these things. 

But I probably shouldn't try too hard to figure them out when I worked an 11.5 hour day straight through.  Another time.  Your thoughts are welcome.  Although fair warning: tell me that everything happens for a reason and I will pay for a last minute flight from Thunder Bay straight to your house to punch you in the throat.  :)




Oh, here's are pictures of my awesome co-resident and friend
at the country fair.  She's a kindred spirit and we had a hoot riding trains and taking pictures of inexplicable contest entries.

 Peace out.  Moo. 41 and balancing maturity with acting like a little kid.